It has been many months since the last time anything to do with L. Ron Hubbard has graced this blog, this being the fourth (and ideally the last) critical analysis of the the Mission Earth book series. However, Hubbard and his everlasting estate within the Church of Scientology always seem to find a way back into my immediate sphere. His memory is not a blessing, but it sure makes for an interesting curio to study. With all this being said, I have my ways of staying in touch with what the CoS and its shell companies are up to; sci-fi publishing wing Galaxy Press dropped its Christmas catalogue on November 29th of this year. Whole paragraphs could be written about its wares for sale (i.e. 80 audiobooks on 160 CDs for just $1036 USD!), but one thing in this catalogue really caught my eye. Since Galaxy Press dropped it with very little fanfare, allow me to introduce you all to the ePulp.
Absolutely nothing you are about to read is hyperbole. You really, truly can now purchase a tablet from the Church of Scientology.
What is it?
The ePulp, according to website metadata and filenames, has been a work of progress since 2019. The ePulp is a semi-customized personal digital device that exclusively contains L. Ron Hubbard’s written and/or spoken works. Also included are e-book editions of the multi-author anthology magazine Writers of the Future, but only issues 25 thru 39. Make no mistake, this device series has nothing to do with the Orange County Library System’s eBook publishing service, nor the Xiamen paper product company, nor the now-defunct neo-pulp fiction anthology zine all of the same name.
There were whispers of an ePulp prototype over a decade ago, but these were audio-only devices. Today’s ePulp is available in three different models. The line’s starting model is the ePulp Book Deluxe, which has a 7″ screen, and comes preloaded with 410 e-books featuring their original covers and interior illustrations if applicable. (It should be noted that Galaxy Press’s website describes the ePulps containing 393 e-books, but their holiday catalogue says they contain 410 e-books.)
Next up are the two Book & Audio models, the ePulp Mini (8.3″ screen) and the ePulp Air (10.9″). Both models come preloaded with the above 410 e-books and 264 hours of fully-produced audio-book renditions of Hubbard’s works, with each audio drama accompanied by cast member biographies and photos.
Each model features a built-in dictionary that can provide definitions for a selected word at the touch of your fingertip, along with adjustable screen brightness and size. The presence of a dictionary is significant for those within the Church of Scientology, as dictionaries are a key piece of study tech. If a word or phrase does not immediately make sense to a reader, they are encouraged to look the term up in a dictionary, and write that definition down on paper until they fully understand it. Hubbard loved to make up terms and pepper them throughout casual conversation, to the point that Scientologists have to buy various dictionaries in order to fully understand his Quaalude-laden musings. You can start with the Basic Dianetics dictionary, or jump right into the Technical Dictionary, and hell, even your kids can start with a children’s book about how to use a dictionary. Sure, a built-in dictionary is a basic function on the Amazon Kindle, but for a Scientologist, the ePulp will no doubt be a lifesaver with its custom preloaded definitions and glossaries. The average Kindle wouldn’t be able to tell you what it means to have a tiger drill after patty-caking, but now, it can!
Speaking of Kindles: Can this be considered the first electronic device endorsed by, and exclusively available through, the Church of Scientology? Yes and no. While the Church of Scientology has long made a point of staying away from most technology made after 1986, the ePulp series is a breakthrough in letting Scientologists comfortably use a tablet. However, each ePulp model uses a pre-existing third-party device as its core hardware.
A few years ago on this blog, we discussed the indie game company Hacker International and their strange original console, the Hacker Junior. This device was a Nintendo Famicom that Hacker International would purchase, modify its firmware, and then send it to you. Galaxy Press was likely unaware of the Hacker Junior, but they certainly followed in its footsteps when it comes to trying to turn one device into another.
The ePulp hasn’t been Frankensteined out of just any e-reading device; they’re slightly modified iPads and Kindles. Galaxy Press isn’t just grabbing a TCL Tab or an Onyx Boox off the shelves. The cost of buying a brand-name device certainly makes an impact upon the ePulp’s prices. The markup is significant in each model’s suggested retail price, but all three are frequently on sale so the sale price is basically its retail price. Regardless, each model is priced as follows:
- ePulp Book Deluxe – 32GB Kindle Fire HD7 (9th Gen.), $800 USD (SRP $1500 USD)
- ePulp Mini – 256 GB Apple iPad Mini 6, $2750 USD (SRP $3300 USD)
- ePulp Air – 256 GB Apple iPad Air 5, $3000 USD (SRP $3500 USD)
The device make is mentioned on the ePulps’ official online listings, if only as an afterthought; each page contains a disclaimer that these “[have] not been authorized, sponsored or otherwise approved” by Amazon nor Apple, and declares the overall device to be “an independent publication” of collected works.
The ePulp’s device capacity is mentioned as a selling point, implying it may be one day possible to download more content through Galaxy Press, or even through third-party services like the App Store or Kindle Store. The Book Deluxe’s preloaded content comprises 11GB of its 32GB storage capacity, and the Mini and Air are each preloaded with 101/256GB of content. Until we get further details on the ePulp’s future as a device, it is unclear how users can benefit from these spare gigabytes.
Why does it cost that much?
The ePulp’s retail price is a chimera made of three main factors: the cost of the base device, the preloaded media’s retail price, and the granting of a personal license for said media. The latter is what we as consumers are all granted when we purchase a piece of media, and certain software may require a subscription to continue access to that software’s core functions. It has also been referenced in countless North American home video warning screens, with many declaring a message along the lines of, “Licensed for private home exhibition only.” The ePulp is, at this time, the only way to purchase an eBook of Hubbard’s non-Scientologist writings rather than borrowing it on OverDrive. This is likely the cause of the hefty personal licensing fees.
The glut of the ePulp’s cost comes down to its source device and the preloaded content’s individual retail prices. I have located the preloaded audiobooks’ prices in Galaxy Press’s main shop and their digital media catalogue. The latter website is mysterious, and only some of the links work, but it is completely authorized by the CoS; the only way to access any of this media is to have the “L. Ron Hubbard Novels” app and log-in credentials approved by Galaxy Press staff. The e-book section is unavailable for public access at this time, but the audiobooks are listed with their sale prices on the LRH Novels catalogue, so we have used those prices instead. The following is a list of the device markup, using all known prices, and before taxes and superfluous hidden charges:
- Book Deluxe – Kindle Fire HD7 9th Gen. (new $59.99 USD) = $740.01 markup
- Mini – iPad Mini 6 (new $879 USD) + audiobooks ($1233.38 USD) = $637.62 markup
- Air – iPad Air 5th Gen. (new $999 USD) + audiobooks ($1233.38 USD) = $767.62 markup
How does it run?
This remains the least-mapped frontier of the ePulp’s existence. Galaxy Press’s listings depict a custom homescreen, but all other screens of the device are just screenshots of the audio and e-books inside a standard Apple iOS library. The devices are certainly preloaded with ample media, but not enough to truly make the device burst at the seams with exclusive content; all three models still have 21-101GB of free space.
This begs the question of what the ePulp’s overall function is like. Will users be able to download further content through Galaxy Press? Is this “The Fiction of L. Ron Hubbard” screen the device’s homescreen? Is it jailbroken to run Galaxy Press’s custom programming? Is it sandboxed within the iOS operating system? Does anyone working at Galaxy Press know what these terms mean? Time will tell, and hopefully, so will consumers.
Another question is begged here, wondering who will dare to spend $3000 on what is basically a gently-used iPad containing one person’s back catalogue. I don’t doubt that the ePulp has been pitched to countless Scientologists, promising the all-in-one convenience of a single device, where they can easily get at all the titles they likely already own physical copies of.
One thing is for certain: Personally, I am not buying it. I’m not going to purchase an ePulp, either. All the power to you if you choose to bring the ePulp into your home, but I can only hope it works for you. I and many others also hope you’ll share online your experience with the world’s first Scientologist tablet, just so we can get a glimpse at whatever the hell it is.
The Gonzo Brigadoon 
Leave a comment